I just got one of those Nigerian spam e-mails—you know, where the sender has a billion dollars that they need you to access for them, so please send them your bank account information. I don’t usually bother looking at these, but this time a few winning phrases caught my eye. For example,

My aim of writing is not to know you as i have no interest of knowing you and would not like to know you unless if needs be.

Well, you know, I did bathe this morning. However, the feeling is mutual.

But i am telling you this based on my believe as person who does not like evil or cheating and would not like to be called for explanation as a result of this information i am giving to you below.

Aha. You don’t like cheating, and you don’t want to get caught at it. But you’re going to give me the information anyway.

This information as a result of my recent departmental research, i had to call them to question but they tried to bribe me, but i refused because i am not a cheat. I have to inform you that your! Funds interest at a tune of usd$14.1 million was transferred into a Swiss account provided by a fake lawyer portrayed himself to be your lawyer.I must inform you that the officers involved are always in communication with you , so you should stop talking with them and do not tell them that you are waiting for the transfer.

These people are always in communication with me, are they? What assures you of this?

Since we have an evidence at hand, you are hereby advised to contact the authorized (C.B.N) security and finance company in Abuja who is in control of your payment and the approved lawyer attached to the security and finance company in the name of Mr. Alex Orbed and explain everything to him as your file was sent to him on the 30th April, 2009 and when contacting the lawyer quote your file reference number CBN/PTF/XX/009 he is the straw that breaks the camels back.

O-o-o-o-o-kay. Poor man. For that matter, poor camel.